Oh, this is where I left my blog

Like Robert said, it’s been a while. I’ve been bogged down for the last month with research papers and finals and AP tests. Thankfully most of that is over. I’ve done my AP Chem final, AP Chem test, AP Spanish Test, Literature EOCT (End of Course Test- do other states have those?). I’ve got two more AP tests and one EOCT. So the year is over by no means, but I am at least finished with Chem and Spanish. My presence is no longer ‘required’ in Spanish and in Chem today I made a styrafoam sword, stabbed somebody, and then slept on top of some desks. It’s apparent that my school year is slowing down, but that’s just because it was in overdrive recently.

I’ll start with soccer. My season is over. It ended yesterday. We made it to the second leg of state playoffs and lost. You’ll have to message me for details because I could go on all day. Bottom line is that we didn’t get into our flow. We never got things going. Anyway, I handed in my jersey and bag today at the end-of-season meeting. I heard closing words from the coaches… then heard speeches kicking off next season. I’m pumped right now. Next year we are- excuse my colloquialism- goin’ in.

This is still soccer, but it’s also not. In the first playoff game of the season I broke my wrist. I was pushed onto the track next the field while shielding a ball. Let’s just say it looks like my hand and side were hit with a shrapnel grenade. Pretty badass. I’ve got a splint for a couple weeks. No big deal.

Spring soccer is over, school is almost over (although I mentally checked out a looong time ago), I’ve got a summer job lined up, and I’m not feeling like I should. I thought I was out, but now I’m reconsidering. While I’m ‘officially’ out to a bunch of people at school, when gay subjects are brought up, usually unrelated to homosexuality, but still, I kinda freeze up and give no response. I don’t like this, so I’m gonna do something about it. I just need to figure out what. I want everyone to know, but I’m not gonna tattoo gay on my face. I’ll keep you updated.

I’ve got a lot more to say, just no articulation right now. Expect some more posts pretty soon.

-Ben

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About Brad,Robert,Ben

We are three kids from three different time zones, with one common goal. This is our voice:
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4 Responses to Oh, this is where I left my blog

  1. Jay M. says:

    Hi, Ben,
    I kinda figured school was pretty much overwhelming all three of you. Said hello a couple times on FB with no response, that usually means “I’m busier than a one-armed paper-hanger!”

    I know what you mean about not “really” being out. Well, you are, and it still takes time to really come to grips with it all. You are fortunate in having come out when you did – no living your life in the shadows. The rest will come. Trust me.

    Oh yeah, VA has EOCT, SOLs (Standards of Learning), NWEA, HATs, and of course, APs. You are not alone. 100% online. It gets nutso in about a week.

    Sorry to hear about the soccer and the wrist! OMG! Lucky you didn’t do what I did to mine. It was a lot more than a few weeks in a splint. But you had a good season if you made it so far. Good work.

    Look forward to hearing more from all three of you.

    Peace ❤
    Jay

  2. DJ says:

    Awesome, y’all finally posted.

    Ben, I’m slightly confused by the latter half of your blog post. You stated in a previous blog post that you came out to friends and didn’t mind if they told people, I mean, it’s a given, isn’t it? What are some examples of situations or rather subjects that cause you to freeze up and not be able to utter a single word? I totally understand why you just want to be out to everyone. Would I be correct by presuming you want to be fully out so you can finally feel “different” compared to when you were closeted to everyone but yourself? Truth be told, you’re never going to be fully out. I came to this realization just over a year ago. I’m fairly sure you’re feeling this way because of a blog post you made a while ago and it’s something that’s on your mind.

    “Of course I will update you all with my gay news, too. I’m getting more and more out every day. I’m speaking about it more on facebook and in conversation. Now this hasn’t led to any romantic proposals by closeted hotties, but I am getting more and more comfortable around my peers at school and at soccer. There is more to coming out than just letting people know who you are. I am more confident in who I am, more comfortable talking to other people, and just happier in general. ”

    If your goal is to be happy and to be able to find someone who appreciates you for who you are and be supportive of your actions and all the stuff associated with a loving relationship, then you have to look around yourself and not wait for love to find you. One may argue that that what I’ve said is stupid, but it is the same process in an otherwise heteronormative world (for straight people). Besides, I’m most definitely sure there’s a “hottie” out there at your school who may or may not be in sports, knows about you through a friend or rumor, who’s got his eyes set on you, but is too afraid to come out. Although, admittedly that last part makes very little sense because if you could do it, then so can he. Alas people have other reasoning that runs deeper in the realm of being afraid of being out or worse yet, being outed by a peer. Which in itself is possibly the most vile thing a peer can do to another peer in a school environment.

    Don’t be ashamed or worried that you freeze up on certain subjects. You were born this way, but it doesn’t mean you had everything under control. I’ve seen this happen in so many people I’ve gotten the chance to meet in person. They thought they had everything under control and knew everything, but the reality of coming out changes all of that. You literally do feel different, albeit in a good way, but things are different now. Don’t ever feel pressures to take part in conversation, people should be understanding of that.

    You don’t have to get a tattoo on your forehead either, Lol. I honestly, at this point in my life, would not suggest to someone to be something they’re not. Which means that, hey if you’re gay, you don’t necessarily have to be active in everything related to being gay. If you continue to force yourself to be something you’re not or do things that don’t interest you at all, you will lead a miserable life and start to resent yourself. You’re a really smart guy, so I’m sure you’ve figured this out on your own before.

    Personally speaking, what I’ve said above is based on my own life since my senior year in hs, which was just 3 years ago next month. I met my first and only prospect out of pure luck that March, and I wasn’t even looking. Life isn’t set in stone for you the day you’re born, unless you’re Royalty. Life is full of twists and turns, and everything is really a gamble. Take a chance, start networking or put yourself out there at school, and sure enough you’ll meet someone special. I took a very large risk that March, it went against everything people knew about me. It’s possibly the best risk I’ve taken in terms of becoming more mature and learning a lot of life lessons.

    -DJ

  3. Marc says:

    “It is expensive, tiring, and difficult to be gay.” I hear it all the time, and it’s said as a joke, but also very true when society expects you to be the manifestation of all gay attributes and knowledge. You get held up to some higher standard, but sometimes, you just are you and tired and need a break from being on a “gay” pedestal.

  4. Jake says:

    Hopefully when summer rolls around everyone will have some more time so this place can become more of a community. Understand everyone is busy with end of the year issues, but right now doesn’t really feel much like a community. Just some random blog posts with a few comments and almost no responses.

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