The countdown.

The countdown is almost over, and I have no clue how i feel about it. This monday I am pretty sure I will be telling my group that I am gay while the program “Challenge Day” is at my school. Hopefully by telling people there i will be able to develop a group of people from all different cliques who do not care about my sexuality. All they care is that I am happy. All of my friends do not care but none of them are the major jocks of my school, those are the people who i am worried about. I worry everyday that by coming out I will ostricize myself from the rest of the guy’s track team. Hopefully they will see past it though like how every one else has. I wish i could sit here and type about how my life is perfect and how i know every person in my school will be behind me on my decision but that will never happen.

I wish i lived in a Utopia where every one accepts every single person no matter what but that day will never come, and I have accepted that. Portland is pretty close to a gay utopian though so at least i am lucky for that aspect of my life. I now spend almost all of my weekends in Portland hanging out with some of my good friends who go to one of the private school’s in the city. Living in a city has always been one of my dreams and walking the streets downtown i see LGBT everywhere. It makes me feel comfertible which is why I will most likely go to a college in an urban setting, it feels like home to me.

The video is all done and ready to be viewed on Wednesday. In the video I hold up a sign saying that I am gay. I do not know what to think about this. I feel anctious for it to happen but on the other hand I am afraid of the drastic changes that may take place, soom good and some bad. I haven’t even decided if i will watch the video before hand because just seeing me holding a sign and labeling myself is way beyond where i thought i would be at this time in my life.  I am even getting thoughts of just not going to school on Wednesday, but I know that would make the situation worse. People need to see that i am comfertible with who i am.

The next chapter of my life is about to begin, but i am not sure if I am ready to turn the page yet to see what is going to happen.

Brad

Advertisements

About Brad,Robert,Ben

We are three kids from three different time zones, with one common goal. This is our voice:
Gallery | This entry was posted in Brad. Bookmark the permalink.

18 Responses to The countdown.

  1. Graeme says:

    wow… that’s very brave of you fella. I’m sure everything will turn out fine with the majority of folk being like… ‘meh’ 🙂
    If you want a good read of gay Utopia(ish) try David Levithan’s Boy meets Boy – probably the best LGBT teen book ever 😀
    inabit
    Staggie G
    ps. duh-duh-duh, de-duh-duh-duh… GO PACK GO! Hopefully you boys will be supporting the wonderful packers tomorrow night…

  2. Ryan says:

    You won’t do yourself any good by staying home the day your video shows. The anxiety is awful, but the sense of freedom afterwards will be worth it. Keep your head held high. I think your teammates will see you’re still the same Brad.

    Also, Portland is a great city to spend your time in. I was born there and will hopefully return there sometime soon. Although I am enjoying Seattle in the meantime.

  3. Surf_spurs says:

    Hey Brad, good luck man. When I finally figured out what was up w/my sexulality – that I was gay – I was relieved. Diff stages after then decided to break it to my best buddy, who was at a diff school. Well, that didnt go so well…. his dad was a great shrink, he said, and he could line me up w/a prostitute or so…. a roll in the hay would do me good. We never were friends after, but I sure became my own man.

  4. Rick B says:

    Brad, man dont worry about what the “major” jocks think, as long as you can hold your own on the track they will get over it, im sure of it. I grew up in biggest city in Indiana and i have never seen any public LGBT there outside of the Indy Pride Parade (one of the largest in the country which is odd since its freaking Indiana!), so to me Portland sounds pretty awesome. But back to the point 😀 good luck and remember it may take some guys a while to get used to knowing your gay but if they really are your friends they will except you just like they did before.

  5. Nat says:

    It’s the waiting that’s worst. Afterwards, you’ll feel hugely stronger and a big weight will be off your shoulders. It’ll feel weird for a little bit, almost like you’re seeing yourself differently, but very quickly you’ll know how you grew and you’ll never look back.

    All power and luck to you!

  6. Surf_spurs says:

    GO STEELERS!

    • Rick B says:

      no offense dude but its gonna be the packers, not that i am cheering for them i hate both teams equally, i just think the packers got a better shot.

  7. Daen says:

    I agree with Ryan. Waiting is the hardest part. In the end it will be good for you, because you will not waste time and energy trying to control who knows this aspect of your life. My advice is to remember that your peers reaction has nothing to do with you. It’s their reaction, their emotions, their attitude and they have to own it, not you.

  8. Jeff says:

    Good luck and stay strong!

  9. Fred says:

    Brad, you’re an amazing person. Coming Out is an incredibly difficult thing for most gay folks and the way you guys are doing it is simply amazing. Truly inspiring!

    I think the feelings you’re having are quite common. The people you tell will be better off for it, in part because they are forced to look within themselves and discover for “themselves” what they think about gay people. Most people don’t seem to do that until they are confronted with an event that forces them to think about it. Kudos!

    Hugs from the Midwest

  10. Jay M. says:

    Brad,
    You know we support you. I think (hope?) that you will be surprised in a good way at the reaction of your teammates. It’s damn hard to ostracize a high-performing teammate, and since it’s not like you’ve been hitting on them in the locker room, then what have they got to bother about?

    But I am NOT putting your feelings down, because they are very real, and very valid. Please know that all of here, at least, as well as your flesh and blood friends are behind you, and will support you. And as you say, when people see that YOU are comfortable with who you are, it’s a lot easier for them to be comfortable with you, too.

    I’ll be thinking about you on Wednesday…please let us know how it goes!
    Peace ❤
    Jay

  11. Terence N says:

    Good luck, Brad! People can surprise you.

    I came out via a school assignment where we had to write a letter to someone. My classmates all reacted positively, including the teammates I had who were in the same class. I stayed on the swim team and all the guys were totally cool about it and didn’t have a problem. They had this penchant for making each other uncomfortable by flaunting their nudity in the locker room, and one friend of mine said “No one wants to see you naked! …Well, I guess Terence might like it.” It was totally cool and awesome of them and I still love my team. It stands out as a great affirmation to me about how our peers can be.

    So it might not be guaranteed to be all sunshine and ponies, but allow yourself to give them the benefit of the doubt! They might surprise you.

    I’m sure it will go great, and even if others don’t react the way you’d hope, YOU’VE taken a great step for yourself. 🙂

    All the best luck!

  12. JC says:

    Good luck! I think you’ll find that because they already know your character that your teammates will be fine. Sounds like you already have a solid core of friends that will support you no matter what, and that’s a great thing.

    Coach JC

  13. Mike D says:

    I wish I had your courage when I was in school. I am very happy now, and totally out to the world. It is very liberating when you finally decide “I don’t really give a crap what people think, it’s time to be ME!” Your true friends will not care, and you will feel so much more relaxed.

    Best of luck with the boneheads… LOL

  14. Michael Dube says:

    The anxiety feels unbearable, but after that it feels exhilarating, you feel like a huge weight which you didn’t know was there, has now been removed. Coming out is a process based solely upon your self-esteem, and there comes a point at which you just don’t care what people will think anymore, although this is a long process, when this day comes you will look back and it will not seem as though it was such a big deal. Being gay is who you are, you nor I nor anybody can change that, not now and not ever, you have to lean to love yourself and after that has happened, nothing can stop you!!

  15. Jay M. says:

    Haven’t forgotten, Brad! Fingers crossed for tomorrow.
    Peace ❤
    Jay

  16. Bradlee says:

    You’re doing such a brave thing and wve though I don’t know you, I am so proud of you. This may seem small in the retrospect of your life, but it could be huge for someone else. You could be giving hope to the person you least expect.

    You’re going to be amazing!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s