For many years I had fought myself, enduring inner turmoil which led me to believe that I could turn myself straight. There was nothing more I wanted to feel than to feel accepted, to fit in, to end this awkward feeling inside of me that told me I liked other guys. Imagine waking up every morning telling yourself, “I like girls, I don’t like guys,” or “Liking guys is wrong, there is no way I like guys, it’s just a phase.” I continued to tell myself that for years to proceed and while it brought some instant gratification, it only proved destructive in the years to come.
I became very angry with the world which led to taking that anger out on those who meant most to me. From my friends to my family, one by one I began to shun them; thus proceeding to stop talking to these friends, even family at one point. And then the shit hit the fan when my mom found a letter I wrote to one of my closest friends, Benjamin (who co-owns the blog bradrobertben.wordpress.com). She didn’t even know what to say to me – she was stunned, or at least I think so when she went to her room and didn’t come out until later that night. We don’t really talk about it all that much and I think that’s on my part. I’ve been avoiding the talk with them in fear of disappointment even though I know they love me either way. Anyway, I left to go to my soccer game that night and had a falling out with the coach after why I asked him why I was suddenly put on the B-Team and didn’t start after the entire year of playing and starting on the first-squad and he didn’t answer me. Leaving the field in a rage, I even told my coach to F off and if it weren’t enough for that, I jumped in my car and sped away – hitting a speed of 110 mph on a 2 lane road. This is when I hit rock bottom because I thought of letting go of the wheel and ending all of my problems then and there – I quickly stopped the car and walked a good 2 miles up the road to the nearest sonic and contemplated my options – I decided my life was not nearly as bad as I was trying to make it out to be and went home to find that my dad talked to my mom about the letter. After we talked and he expressed his understanding about it and that he loved me either way, I went to my room and cried for a very long time. I hit rock bottom but I knew that Ben and Brad would be there for me because they understood me so we started a blog for kids like us and now look where I am! I want to change what it is to be Gay – to stop the kids who felt like ending their lives was the only option because maybe no one was there to tell them otherwise – and I believe that there is no better time than now to do this.So this is what I have to say to the rest of you: who are you and what is your story? We are all in this together, we are just writing so that you may find some clarity in how you feel. One thing is clear, as a gay athlete, I know that I felt like I was the only one in the whole world that was unhappy, that felt alone, but I stand before you as a gay athlete, a soccer player, an average guy with a dream to rid the world of ignorance. Here is some thought for food: how do you plan to change the world? Take a walk down the path to clarity as we join you, because you are not alone.